I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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