This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I fill condoms, not promises.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
