I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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