Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
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