Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
