Do you still have your period?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
