I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
