last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
