Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
