I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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