R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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