ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
