Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize