Your face is a jimmy john
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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