end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
