dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
