Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
