I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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