I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
