he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
