I haven't been this sober since birth.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
this will be a night to untag.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
