I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
