my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
