I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
