Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
