If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
