you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize