just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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