never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
