he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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