Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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