Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
