I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
