New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
