Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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