There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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