Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
