I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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