a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
