My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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