I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
