we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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