if i can run in heels then i can drive
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
