just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
