is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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