I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
