where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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