Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
