i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
