i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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