ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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