I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
