I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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