Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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