Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You smell like stripper and shame
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
