I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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