Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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