Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
