I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
