How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
where are you?
Hypothermia
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
