If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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