sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
